As the owner of a successful small business, the government has entrusted me with many secrets and, as a public service, has finally authorized me to confirm some long standing conspiracy theories.

Yes, it is true.  Extraterrestrials have been visiting our planet for centuries.   Not only does our government know about this, our government has been consulting with our Alien visitors for years on many different technical issues, unfortunately, without much success.   For example, the Aliens designed the levees in New Orleans, were responsible for eight track tapes, and are still trying to come up with something for our alternative energy programs.   It seems that, except for accidently getting space travel right, the Aliens are otherwise a very simple and unsophisticated race.   That is why they tend to only visit very rural areas of the South and West where they can listen to Country music while they enjoy some good BBQ.

Yes, it is true.    The CIA, FBI, FDA, PTA and a bunch of other shadowy organizations that are only referred to by their initials, with the help of the Mafia, planned and executed the assassination of JFK.   Contrary to popular belief, this was not done because of the Bay of Pigs, or to ensure the escalation of the Vietnam War, or even to avenge the government’s attack on organized crime.   It was simply a matter of the Secret Service being sick and tired of finding naked women in the White House pool while constantly having to listen to a recording of Camelot.

Yes, it is true.   The government recruited 19 well mannered Middle Eastern young men who wanted to kill themselves to lend credibility to its elaborate plan to conduct the 9/11 attacks.    Our government, obviously, did this in order to justify its phony war on terror and to get our hands on the oil.  The plan has worked out perfectly.   We are in a war that will never end and we are also enjoying the benefits of $100 barrels of oil.  The only problem is that through some e-mail glitch, the terrorists never got the Memo that the war on terror was not real.

Now, for the most shocking revelation of them all.  That well known and mysterious boneless rib sandwich has, in fact, been available all the time.   Most of you have been led to believe that the rib sandwich is only around every few years or so in order for there to be more for the Aliens who are the only ones dumb enough to want to eat it all of the time.   This is another alarming example of the government and corporate America scheming together to keep the truth from you.

Well, we can finally put these conspiracy theories to rest.   In my next installment, I will reveal how World War II was completely contrived by the Roosevelt Administration to end the Great Depression, that the moon landings and our entire space program is an elaborate hoax, and that a certain brand of pizza really is delivery.